Dear Adam,
When I used to ask my ex-husband to kiss me in a different way – well, kissing and more – he would say “What, now I’m kissing you wrong?” Now, all these years later, each time I have sex with my boyfriend when I think of asking for what I would like, I hear “What, now I’m kissing wrong?” in my head. I know there’s nothing wrong with asking, but I can’t for fear of the reaction. Any thoughts?
Signed, Lip Service
Dear LS,
Sweetie, we’ve all been there. There you are, in a romantic moment, eyes-a-flutter, loins a-tingling, ready for ecstasy. You close your eyes… and suddenly you’re being kissed by an angry lizard!
It’s the WORST.
I once dated a guy who literally didn’t use his lips to kiss. No pucker, no suction, nada. He seemed to believe that kissing meant opening his mouth and sticking his tongue out, as one would to receive a throat culture. Needless to say, I sent him packing but quick.
And that’s something you can do with a man you’re only casually dating. But you said “boyfriend,” and that leads me to believe he’s someone you actually care about and would like to continue seeing.
So I’m going to lay down the law for you: You MUST ask for what you want. Sex is a conversation between two people, and you can’t have a conversation without words. Plus, if your boyfriend is worth your time at all, he’ll WANT you to enjoy what he’s doing to the fullest, something you’re a—hole ex-husband apparently didn’t care about.
The tricky part, of course, is HOW to communicate your wants and needs to him. I don’t have to tell you that straight guys have notoriously fragile egos and erections. Any hint that you find them less than mind-blowingly studly in the boudoir may instantly turn them sulky and flaccid.
Here’s what I would do, and what I have done: The next time you two start to become amorous, ask him if there’s anything he’d like that you haven’t been doing. (I know; this can be like opening up Pandora’s Box. But with any luck he won’t be into anything too freaky or scary for you to accommodate.)
Now it’s your turn: “You know what I really love?” you say to him. “Being kissed like this. Also, when you touch me lightly right here,” and so forth. And don’t just tell him. SHOW him.
Thus, the conversation becomes a positive exchange of desires, rather than a critique or a complaint. And after you’ve both communicated your sexual needs to each other, you get to try fulfilling them. That’s the fun part.
Here’s wishing you delicious kisses (and more).
Gaily yours,
Adam
