The secret to making resolutions that actually stick is self-knowledge. Which is why it’s futile to resolve to give up things you can’t resist such as eating raw cookie dough straight out of the bowl, binge-watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel or telling your adult children they need a haircut.
To make the process easier, below is a list of sample resolutions that eliminate the self-deprivation, sacrifice and remorse associated with New Year Resolutions.
- I resolve to stop fantasizing about Louboutins while shopping at DSW.
- I will stop watching the Great British Bakeoff while doing Pilates.
- I will host an End of Life Celebration for the baggy sweatpants and hoodie I’ve worn around the house since God knows when and replace them with some space age fabric of the future (i.e. anything from LuLu Lemon.)
- The next time I go to the hair salon, I will let my stylist do whatever the hell he wants and not insist on the same color and cut I’ve had since the Lambada was the rage.
- I vow to stop trying to give myself “smokey eyes” that make me look like a demented raccoon.
- The next time a wine snob asks what I think of their $400 Chateau Ooh La La, I’ll tell them I detect notes of narcissism and horse shit.
- I resolve to use up the fifty-three shades of lipstick in my bathroom drawer before buying a new one (unless there’s a terrific gift offer).
- I will create more closet space by getting rid of everything I haven’t worn in the last two years, except for the stuff I bought for the life I have yet to live. (George will get tired of Amal, right?)
- I will stop interrupting unless what I have to say is absolutely brilliant, incredibly important, or slightly more interesting than the person speaking.
- Whenever I am complimented on clothes I got on sale or at TJMax, I will say, “Thanks, my stylist is terrific !”
- The next time a haughty restaurant server asks what kind of water I want, I’m going to say “domestic, please.”
- Everyone should give up something. I’m going to give up Rachel Maddow. (Stick a pin in that!)
- I resolve not to discuss politics during meal time, at social gatherings, or while having sex unless we are role-playing Mueller and Melania. (I get aroused just thinking of that baby blue Ralph Lauren ensemble she wore to the Inauguration.)
- When my TwentySomething yoga instructor demonstrates a posture that will promise to put us FiftySomethings into traction, I am going to roll on the floor laughing.
- When lactose intolerant, gluten-free, vegans come to my house for a holiday gathering, I’m going to serve them a take-out menu.
