You may have been tempted to try the exotic sex positions described in the Kama Sutra back in the day when you could actually wrap your ankles around your neck. Now that you’re thrilled just to get out of bed every morning without needing Advil, here’s an updated version of the Kama Sutra for us “oldies.” (Consult a medical professional before trying these positions at home.)
The Super Bowl–The man sits in a Barcalounger, his thighs spread wide, one hand down his shorts, the other in a large bowl of nachos, shouting obscenities at the TV screen. The woman sneaks out of the house and melts down his credit cards in Nordstrom’s shoe department. This position is recommended only for couples with limber bank statements and a therapist on speed dial.
The Viagra Commercial–The naked man and woman sit in separate bathtubs on a beach, holding hands at sunset. They achieve mutual orgasm thinking about how much money they saved by not booking a hotel room.
The Empty Nester–When the last child moves out at the age of 34, the man and woman find a bag of weed under their child’s mattress. They smoke it and, in a drug-induced haze, order an extra large pizza with everything on it. Since they’re both on gluten- and lactose-free diets, they orgasm while watching their dog eat the last slice with extra pepperoni.
The Golden Arches-The man drives up to the kitchen window. The woman stands inside the window wearing a headset and nothing else. She asks the man what he wants. After he describes the sex act he desires in explicit detail, she replies, “Do you want fries with that?”
The Sunday Brunch–The woman lies down on the kitchen floor and places a slice of Canadian bacon and a poached egg on each breast. Between her thighs, she squeezes a pitcher of Bloody Marys. The man walks into the kitchen and says, “I told you I wanted my eggs over easy.”
The Chiropractor–The man and woman stand close and face each other, a position they have strenuously avoided for over 25 years. The woman links her hands behind the man’s neck and wraps her legs around his waist as he supports her butt. After an initial thrust, the man’s lumbar muscles spasm and he screams out the phone number of his chiropractor. The woman will call right after she finishes checking Instagram.
Hide the Salami –The woman hides a Hebrew National salami in the bedroom. The man is driven wild by the smell of it. This is as close to oral sex as he has gotten since they were engaged.
The Happy Family–The man stops at a massage parlor on his way home while his wife is having a lurid affair with her much younger tennis pro. Later, they order Chinese food and ask each other “How was your day?”
Menage a Trois –The woman lies down in bed with several pillows supporting her upper back, neck and head. The man rolls on top of her, placing his elbows on either side of her torso and his knees on either side of her hips. He begins with a gentle rocking motion while she watches Stephen Colbert’s monologue. This position demands that the man not lose his erection while the woman laughs hysterically.
The Shopping Cart –The woman pushes a shopping cart up and down the aisles of Whole Foods. The man follows close behind, becoming increasingly aroused with the price of every item she places in the cart. When she lingers over an organic, pro-biotic, lactose-free beverage costing $25, the man drops dead.